Effing Dykes Gifts: Just What Lies Beneath (The Woman Nails) | Autostraddle

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Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your friend. Every person got your own buddy? Good. Hang on tight to your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this might be a true story.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, once I ended up being so recently gay I Did Not even understand I Happened To Be recently homosexual…

An find older lesbian on now-defunct queer club called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself completely only indeed there to boogie)


provided me with some guidance:

1)


Never ever open up a combined checking account together with your enthusiast



2)


Do not fake orgasms



3)


Be sure a female’s nails tend to be clean.

The wise lesbian was in her later part of the 40’s, an age-group up until now far from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t actually think about what it needs to be want to be very ancient.

How sad, I thought. Here the woman is at a bar and she’s old. I am hoping I don’t wind up depressed like this lady.

Isn’t really it fun as the center of a universe?

Exactly what some shit I became.

For some reason, however, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying the woman three regulations to myself personally.

As I woke right up, I imagined of them.

It had been kind of like during the sterling silver seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be billed by Aslan to consider The indications.


Never act like you never re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

Anyway! through the years, I always remembered the 3 life classes the lesbian had taught me. The woman advice produced feeling.

I never ever launched a joint checking account with any individual.

I never faked orgasms again following first few times used to do it, recognizing I happened to be, actually, dooming my self to a perpetual cycle of shitty intercourse by satisfying bad performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I also always covertly inspected a female’s fingernails before we slept along with her.

Short? Check.

No abrasive borders? Examine.

Thoroughly clean? Its search time.

But the reason why, nymphos?


What is the big deal about fingernails?


What is actually from the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Exactly What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It really is tougher to shag with extended nails. You might maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it’s perhaps not impossible. I’ve had extended fingernails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t what hard — you simply ensure that you make use of the pads of your own fingers.

So just why was actually that lesbian therefore emphatic about clean nails?

All of you, she ended up being



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision to complete some debunking.

Surely absolutely nothing could truly happen to you any time you had gotten fucked by somebody with filthy nails.

Following we recalled an account therefore awful I would almost forgotten it.

Homos.

Bad crap sometimes happens.

This scary tale involves all of us courtesy of my personal good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who’s got viewed a lot more snatch in temperature than a kitty hospital on totally free Spay Day.

Ok.

Cai


was in Miami whenever she came across a very hot femme we are going to call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose snacks cooking, used a leopard-print bikini, had massive gold hoops that shimmered from inside the light, but also held among the many greatest asses


Cai


had ever before seen.

She secretly texted me personally a photo of

Katie

at share so she could brag, and I also texted right back,


“i’d strike that till my hand dropped down.”

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There had been some severe ingesting.

While undressing


Katie


inside the half-light,


Cai


watched something she hadn’t truly noticed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


could not prevent the psychological image of these nails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even try to let

Katie


bang the girl, even though she normally never allows anybody do that. Precisely what the hell, she figured. Going residence tomorrow. Never ever see this woman again. I will get topped for every night.

Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

One thing was incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Really, really wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things was oozing from this. Once we say some i am talking about extreme. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go directly to the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is exactly what friendship is about, when she said, I said,


“so that you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went house, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she performed, indeed have gonorrhea. She went, the very first time previously


(she was actually 28),


to the queer-friendly community gyno clinic.

They did not know very well what was wrong together.

They tried the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was a student in some pain. She required answers. She was indeed getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much 30 days today.

So they really gave her an ultrasound.

AND IS IT POSSIBLE YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND.

Genital tears. Throughout the inside of the woman vag.

A whole load of rips.

Cai


was basically ripped to shreds. Her insides happened to be hanging in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe paper birthday celebration accents inside.

And every thing – every last inch – ended up being contaminated.

It would appear that after Katie used her fabulous very long nails to offer

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no one knew that the woman fingernails were additionally a festering reproduction ground for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Fabulous.

Cai


states were a stone-cold top ever since.

My personal companion wikipedia states you can acquire unpleasant infections from dirty fingernails. It seems that, there are often staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, that could result in everything from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna state.

That sensible lesbian had been spot-on along with her existence instructions.

Never start a shared bank account with your lover.

Never ever artificial orgasms.

And holy mummy of goodness, check a technique’s nails before banging.

Or you tend to be doomed to endure the fortune of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I Need To question, however…

Have of y’all previously received anything unpleasant from another girl’s hands?

Or observed a person who did?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My fingers are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I wanted answers.